but my hair was messy because I swam in blue waters
It was messy because i jumped off trampolines and watched it rise above my head
my hair got stuck between my fingers because he practiced braiding it
it was frizzy and curly and for once I didn’t notice how it fell
my hair was creased from deep sleep and dreams of summer
it was sweaty and untidy from playing outside at the park across my street
it was soft from the sweet hands brushing through it as lullabies sing me to sleep
my hair was tangled and messy and my heart was full and when I brushed it every night the pull of my head reminded me of the day before and I never complained again
maybe our bodies were never supposed to carry the weight of you being gone and this is all a terrible dream and i’ll wake up to your voice singing me to sleep so I never understand this feeling
memories
the form of torture to remind me every word you said and every time you still haven’t answered my calls
reflections
I don’t recognize her staring back at me and maybe I never have. she still hates me the way I hate her.
i hold my breath and close my eyes. making a promise to the universe. i ask secrets no one knows. every time the 1s add up and the dandelion flowers fall. my last words were for a wish. i guess I wanted to be in awe of the world. believing they could all love me back. but the snow never came. the grave was dug. the dreams forced me to sleep. becoming afraid of the moon and what he might do if i kept asking for more. new seeds don’t grow from the wind carrying my whispers. every clock ticks by and the seconds are just another number. no one will leave if i’m not waiting for them to arrive. i am just another person the stars don’t listen to.
I think growing up you believe you have all the time in the world. that the end is so far away. and then all of sudden everyone is asking you if you’re excited to be senior. deadlines. everything comes to end and it eats me alive. like I can’t enjoy something fully because there’s a little voice telling me it’s the last time i’ll ever be here. and obviously we can’t stay forever we would end of hating whatever we’re doing
like what nelson said in class, how if we never graduate and he teaches forever that he probably wouldn’t like teaching as much and that made a lot of sense to me. I guess the reason why we love things so much and why we do them is because we know one day we won’t be able to.
I keep wishing that high school would be this amazing story I would tell my kids about. the truth is that most days it’s homework and finals that might actually kill me. but it’s also a lot of moments of winning football games, driving with my friends, and getting to play a sport I love so much. it’s okay if not everything we do in our lives is picture perfect moments. the moments that are perfect wouldn’t be so, if everything was just like it.
we talked a lot about how we can be multiple things at once and I find myself in this a lot. I really wish I could stay here for school and be close with my friends, but I also can’t imagine not experiencing life in a new place. I never want to talk to that boy again but some days I still miss his laugh. oh my that was so cringe. i hate change but really love when new things happen and new people say hi. I find when i’m explaining how I feel I say “so much a me feels this but also so much of me feels this way” and I’m excited to move on and I really wanna cry in a ball when I think about it
now this is just a long rant of everything on my mind and maybe it’s because this class is ending and the last semester of my high school career is starting in a few weeks, but it seems very real
I guess what i’m trying to say is i don’t know what i’m gonna do in the next year or if i’ll ever see half these faces again. but what i do know is that I was here and you were too. I cheered next to you at games and took the same classes. we were all here walking in the same halls. and yes soon i’ll be 2,018 miles away from here and we’ll only interact through instagram, but we have shared experiences, and we’re still connected. of course they’re are certain people that will stay with you and be your best friends for longer than high school. i’m just sorry we can’t all be that for everyone.
I’ll forever be pieces of these people. and i’ll always be tied to the experiences we’ve had. my roots lie in the hallways and the roads that lead here. i’ll leave my pen name in room 221 but take the lessons i’ve learned. it’s okay that your heart is split up in multiple places and i think that’s better because wherever you go you’ll always be home.
